Painful Remedy

I don't remember when I first self injured. I know I was cutting by age 12 or 13. I don't remember what caused me to cut myself. I don't recall knowing anyone who cut. This was before the Internet, and I was in college the first time I read about cutting in a magazine. So, I haven't any clue when or why I started.

As a teenager, hurting myself made me feel kind of powerful. I stopped hurting myself after I graduated college until I began again eight years ago. As an adult, it was mostly about punishing myself. No matter the reason it always tended to make me feel better in some way. 

  

The past several years I haven't hurt myself very often, and when I did it wasn't as severe as it had been from 2007 thru 2009. I've done some horrible things to my body in an attempt to relieve the pain of depression.

It doesn't help me much anymore. My injuries are not as severe. It's not as emotionally satisfying. It just doesn't help me. I find this kind of aggravating. My therapist worked patiently with me. He was my witness. He was the person who saw the physical manifestations of my emotional pain. Now, I talk. Or, I try to talk. And, he listens. Sometimes talking doesn't seem to be enough. Or, maybe I'm just not finding the right words. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt. 

Sometimes I wish hurting myself still worked. Sometimes I wish I was still as impulsive as I was when I could cut deep, so I could cut deep again. Pain feels trapped inside me, and it's screaming like a banshee to be acknowledged. Please stop screaming.

(c) 2015 mysuicidology.blogspot.com

Suicidal Comedy

I think I need these. Really. I think I do. If you think I need one of these too, you should probably buy me one. They're on my Amazon Wish List, which I just created... because I think I need these! :P

If I Die By Suicide

(c) 2015 mysuicidology.blogspot.com
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Faces of Suicide

"Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more." -- Virginia Woolf
Visit FacesOfSuicide.com to pay your respects to those who died by suicide. Consider the fragility of life and the mystery of death. Look into their eyes. Breathe deeply and shed a tear -for they no longer can. Are they better off? I don't know. We could find out today... but, together, let's wait till tomorrow. Wait with me. One more day. See one more sunset. Smile one last time. Smell one last flower. Give your dog one last hug. Try to push the pain away one more time. Live one more day.

(c) 2015 My Suicidology

Suicide in Art: Yoshitoshi

Seiriki Tamigoro Committing Suicide, 1865 by Yoshitoshi 

Interesting commentary, Suicide in Art: Two Cultures, regarding the differences between Eastern and Western perceptions and depictions of suicide posted on the blog StayOnTop.

Died By Suicide: Evelyn McHale

Her's has been dubbed the "most beautiful suicide." In May 1947, Evelyn McHale, 24, died by suicide. She leaped from the 86th floor observation deck of the Empire State Building. In her suicide note, she requested there be no [funeral] service or remembrance of her. However, as it sometimes does, the Universe had other ideas about whether or not Miss McHale should be remembered. 

It just happened that student photographer Robert Wiles was nearby with his camera when Evelyn jumped to her death. His photograph of her lifeless body is considered one of the most iconic images of the 20th century; made famous by its publication in LIFE magazine and subsequent appropriation by Andy Warhol for his Suicide: Fallen Body (1962). No one knows for certain why she jumped. 

 “I don’t want anyone in or out of my family to see any part of me. Could you destroy my body by cremation? I beg of you and my family – don’t have any service for me or remembrance for me. My fiance asked me to marry him in June. I don’t think I would make a good wife for anybody. He is much better off without me. Tell my father, I have too many of my mother’s tendencies.”  - as reported in The Times Record (Troy, N.Y.). 2 May 1947: 1,17. The striked sentences were crossed out by Evelyn.

Learn more about Evelyn McHale:

• TIME 'The Most Beautiful Suicide': A Violent Death & Immortal Photo
• Codex99: Evelyn McHale

Died By Suicide: Peg Entwistle

Actress Peg Entwistle died by suicide in September 1932. Her lifeless body was discovered September 18, 1932 beneath the famous Hollywoodland sign (later shortened to Hollywood). The talented stage and film actress jumped from the top of the letter H to her death. She was just 24 years old.

Although her tragic status as the Hollywood sign suicide will likely last at least as long as the sign itself remains standing, I think Entwistle's legacy as an actress shines brighter. In "The Girl Who Walked Home Alone: Bette Davis, a Personal Biography," author Charlotte Chandler quotes the iconic actress, Bette Davis, recalling Entwistle's influence in her life. Davis explained how a stage performance by Entwistle led the then 18-year-old Bette to know she had to become an actress. Imagine being the inspiration for someone who becomes a legend in your shared profession.  

Many speculate her suicide was the result of her failing to make it big in Hollywood. She'd acted in just one movie, "Thirteen Women," which was released after her death. However, James Zeruk, Jr., writes in his biography of Entwistle, "Peg Entwistle and the Hollywood Sign Suicide: A Biography," that the actress never aspired to be a film star. The Broadway performer's intention was always to return to theater. While her career likely took its toll, Zeruk believes depression played the leading role in Peg's suicide.

Learn more about Peg Entwistle:

• Peg Entwistle and the Hollywood Sign Suicide: A Biography, James Zeruk, Jr.
• Death in Hollywood: The Peg Entwistle Story 
• Death by Hollywood: Fallen Broadway star Peg Entwistle's suicide 

"I am afraid I am a coward. I am sorry for everything. If I had done this a long time ago it would have saved a lot of pain. P.E." Rest in Peace, Peg

Suicide in Art: Manet

Le Suicide, 1887 by Edouard Manet 

http://www.manet.org/le-suicide.jsp

Suicide vs Self Injury

To date, I've never attempted suicide. I've given it a lot of thought though. A lot. I've been so depressed I felt like I was going to die -as if my body was just going to stop being alive. Twice I scribbled out an unofficial Last Will & Testament because I didn't think I'd live through the night; I was in so much physical and mental anguish. However, I've never actively tried to end my life. (Well, at least not abruptly. I'll get to that in a minute.)

I do have quite an extensive history with self injury, sadly. Perhaps a couple of my self-inflicted injuries have been recorded as suicide attempts. But, truthfully, I've never tried to kill myself. I cut my wrist when I was 14. Just barely. It was the proverbial cry for help. During my teen years, I overdosed on medications, like allergy medicine, and actually threw up while driving -ironically- to an appointment with my psychologist. (I told him it was the flu.) A couple times, I sat in the garage of my parents' house with the door down and the car running. I'd sit there until my head hurt. (I think that's how I screwed up the gas gauge?!) 

When I was 19, I overdosed on Extra Strength Tylenol (acetaminophen). I was a college student still living at home. My mom learned what I'd done, and I was taken to the emergency room, admitted for a few days and then hauled of to the psych ward for a few more days. According to the National Institutes of Health, taking more than 7000mg of acetaminophen* daily can lead to a severe overdose potentially resulting in liver failure and death. I took 9500mg. I swallowed one pill for every year of life. I don't know how much it takes to cause death... likely a lot more than I took. I wasn't trying to kill myself though. It was just an odd method of self injury.

Now about that not attempting to die by suicide abruptly. I'm morbidly obese and inactive. My primary care physician warned me that my weight is going to take decades off my life. I think he was trying to scare me into losing weight. However, I was thinking... good. There's something comforting knowing my weight is killing me. I'm ambivalent about it though. I don't like being this fat. I don't like the aches and pains it causes. I don't like how it restricts my ability to move. I don't like how it slows me down and robs me of energy. I don't like how it looks or feels. I don't like how I'm treated by others and reduced to tears by fat shaming. I don't like the inability to play with my nephew. But, it's morbidly comforting knowing this fat is killing me.  

* The daily dose is no more than 4000mg of acetaminophen. Elsewhere on the site, it states maximum daily dose is 3000mg for Extra Strength Tylenol. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful when taking acetaminophen -even taking it as directed! Over time it can cause problems. Liver failure sucks.

(c) 2015 mysuicidology.blogspot.com