Suicide vs Self Injury

To date, I've never attempted suicide. I've given it a lot of thought though. A lot. I've been so depressed I felt like I was going to die -as if my body was just going to stop being alive. Twice I scribbled out an unofficial Last Will & Testament because I didn't think I'd live through the night; I was in so much physical and mental anguish. However, I've never actively tried to end my life. (Well, at least not abruptly. I'll get to that in a minute.)

I do have quite an extensive history with self injury, sadly. Perhaps a couple of my self-inflicted injuries have been recorded as suicide attempts. But, truthfully, I've never tried to kill myself. I cut my wrist when I was 14. Just barely. It was the proverbial cry for help. During my teen years, I overdosed on medications, like allergy medicine, and actually threw up while driving -ironically- to an appointment with my psychologist. (I told him it was the flu.) A couple times, I sat in the garage of my parents' house with the door down and the car running. I'd sit there until my head hurt. (I think that's how I screwed up the gas gauge?!) 

When I was 19, I overdosed on Extra Strength Tylenol (acetaminophen). I was a college student still living at home. My mom learned what I'd done, and I was taken to the emergency room, admitted for a few days and then hauled of to the psych ward for a few more days. According to the National Institutes of Health, taking more than 7000mg of acetaminophen* daily can lead to a severe overdose potentially resulting in liver failure and death. I took 9500mg. I swallowed one pill for every year of life. I don't know how much it takes to cause death... likely a lot more than I took. I wasn't trying to kill myself though. It was just an odd method of self injury.

Now about that not attempting to die by suicide abruptly. I'm morbidly obese and inactive. My primary care physician warned me that my weight is going to take decades off my life. I think he was trying to scare me into losing weight. However, I was thinking... good. There's something comforting knowing my weight is killing me. I'm ambivalent about it though. I don't like being this fat. I don't like the aches and pains it causes. I don't like how it restricts my ability to move. I don't like how it slows me down and robs me of energy. I don't like how it looks or feels. I don't like how I'm treated by others and reduced to tears by fat shaming. I don't like the inability to play with my nephew. But, it's morbidly comforting knowing this fat is killing me.  

* The daily dose is no more than 4000mg of acetaminophen. Elsewhere on the site, it states maximum daily dose is 3000mg for Extra Strength Tylenol. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful when taking acetaminophen -even taking it as directed! Over time it can cause problems. Liver failure sucks.

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